Written By Liz Fernandez – Great Falls Wellness Clinical Director
Shame can be one of the greatest barriers for people who want to reach out for help, especially for people struggling with addiction. While shame is a natural response to going through something deeply personal and difficult, it can be as much of a deterrent to growth as substance use itself.
Shame is a normal part of the addiction cycle and acknowledging it as harmful is crucial to breaking free from harmful patterns that restrict our growth. When we can examine the feelings we have in the context of our choices and experiences, we can begin to break down dishonesty within ourselves and take accountability for our actions. Accountability can be a loaded and even scary word, with connotations that ring negatively for most people, but at Great Falls Wellness, accountability is part of empowerment. Being able to see ourselves fully and honestly gives us the ability to put that same energy we were putting into our shame into our relationships, our goals, and our spirit in a healthy way.
Shame is more than making a mistake.
It often has deep seeded roots in our mind and spirit that stem from trauma and early childhood experiences. When exploring the roots of our shame, we often uncover painful moments in our lives that are hard to revisit. The most important piece in dismantling shame, out of anything talked about here, is giving yourself compassion. Compassion is not excuses or a one-and-done step, and while it sounds simple, it can be one of the hardest things a person can do. Compassion for the self is an ongoing process of examination, reflection, and acceptance. Compassion means accepting yourself where you are without allowing negative self-talk to reintroduce shame, and asking yourself what you need next for healthy healing. Compassion for the self means knowing your limits, which empowers you to have healthier relationships with yourself and others.
Much of the work done in recovery and dismantling shame is internal, but it works side by side with healthy supports. Often the people in our lives are our greatest resources, but they can also stand in the way of our growth, sometimes without ever realizing it. Supports can be family, friends, romantic relationships, and anyone else in the community we spend time with, and sometimes they wield shame as a weapon. When someone in our support system uses shame as a means of trying to invoke change in us, however well intentioned, it will never lead to healthy growth. However, once we begin to engage with our internal self with compassion, we can use that to both take accountability and have healthy boundaries. Making amends and correcting our mistakes does not mean we should become a punching bag for other people. Healthy & supportive people in our lives will respond to boundaries and change with an open mind and heart.
Shame is an ongoing presence in our lives, whether in ourselves or from others. We will always make mistakes, and often have regrets, but that is a part of the process. It comes up a lot with the clients we serve that working through recovery and mental health symptoms is uncomfortable and difficult, and when our internal patterns are steeped in shame it can be hard not to let set backs weigh you down. However, from discomfort comes growth. When a seed is planted it must push through soil to reach the sun, hopeful, but it knows it will get there even when it’s hard. Your progress, with whatever hardships it faces, deserves compassion and acceptance. You have every capability of seeing yourself with love and kindness, and pushing toward the sun.
